


Baby Boomers- A crackfic

by orphan_account



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Artistic Liberties, Babies, Crackfic taken seriously, F/M, Humor, Kinda, Magical Pregnancy, Mpreg except not really, Not Beta'd, but not really, suspend your disbelife, trash, vague basis in mythology, will is a neurosurgeon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 07:46:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5577190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Big Three kids and their partners start families.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mindfuck

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy, I just found this trash in the depths of my google drive. I wrote this in late 2014 for a challenge - Take a crackfic prompt and write about it seriously. I kinda failed that. Lots of crackfic stuff in here. Mpreg, broken logic and such abound. Mostly for shits&gigs.

 

A strange, strange thing was happening to Annabeth right before everything went crazy. She was having a  _ nice _ dream.  She was lying in the grass under a summery blue sky. Marble buildings of her own design stretched up in the edges of her vision. She was covered in puppies like the one she'd had when she was six. They were fluffy and adorable, nuzzling her and yipping in excitement. One of them started licking her face, covering her in drool. She giggled- and then she realised. Something was  _ actually  _ drooling on her face.

Annabeth blearily opened her eyes, and moved a hand to rub them. Her hand bumped into something soft and heavy, weighing down on her chest. She raised her head to look at the object, blinked a couple times in case she was still dreaming, and screamed. There was a  _ baby _ on her. A baby with a tuft of blonde hair, and when it opened them, sea-green eyes. The baby's tiny face crumpled, and it started wailing.

She didn't think her situation could get any worse, but  the fates had decided to mess with her.   _ Another  _ wail started up next to her on the bunk, and she screamed even harder. It was five in the morning. She could  _ not _ deal with two babies at five in the morning. Her siblings were  starting to wake up, and someone threw a pillow at her. She finally managed to stop screaming, but the babies didn't.

Annabeth took a deep breath, and tried to assess the situation. She didn't know where these children had came from, or how they'd gotten into her bed. Unless…   
She tested her hypothesis by looking very carefully at the infants as they calmed down.   
Baby #1(the one on her chest) had blonde hair, and distinctive sea-green eyes. It shouldn't have had a real eye colour yet. It looked like a newborn, but if she was right it didn't matter how old the kid was.   
Baby #2 had dark hair, so black it was almost blueish, and grey eyes.

_ Schist. _

Annabeth sat up, awkwardly cradling baby #1 in her arms. She looked down at baby #2, tried to work out the logistics of holding both of them at once, and gave up. Carrying baby #1, she tiptoed across the cabin to where her second in command had fallen asleep at his desk.

"Malcolm!" She hissed. "Malcolm, wake up !"Malcolm groaned and peeled his face off the glossy page of his textbook. He rubbed his eyes, then looked at the child.

"Annabeth, why do you have a baby?" He asked, as if randomly appearing children were a normal part of everyday life.

"Doesn't matter." Annabeth said. "I just need you to hold ...it for a moment." She was forming a plan, and it started with walking across camp- she couldn't leave a baby unattended. 

"Okay." Malcolm said. Annabeth handed him the baby, picked up baby #2, and started her walk to the Poseidon cabin. The sun was just starting to rise.  The horizon was tinted with various colours, but stars were still visible above her head. It would have been beautiful on any other day. She hoped it was late enough that the harpies wouldn't get her.

By the time Annabeth got to Percy's cabin, baby #2 had fallen asleep in her arms. It was kind of adorable.   
She didn't even bother knocking on the door. It wasn’t like she was unwelcome, and Percy never locked it anyway. The son of Poseidon was asleep on a bunk, a sprawling tangle of limbs and blankets. He was drooling on his blue pillow. That must be where the kid had gotten it.

"Percy." She said. He didn't move. "Percy. Wake up!" Her boyfriend responded by burying his face in his pillow and whining "nooooooooooo..."

"Perseus Jackson, I swear to literally  _ every  _ god, if you don't wake up  _ right now  _ I will personally drag you to the middle of Kansas and make sure you  never see a large body of water again. And I'll kill a whale. I'll kill like ten whales. And a endangered species of fish." Annabeth was  _ not _ dealing very well with this situation- even her grammar was a mess. Percy sat bolt upright and glared at her.

"Leave the whales alone!" He said, not quite yelling but still  _ loud _ . Annabeth winced, and a millisecond later the baby in her arms started screeching.“Gods, what is that?” Percy slammed his hands over his ears and stared at the baby as Annabeth franticly rocked it, trying to calm it down. “Who has a kid here? Should it be making that noise? I don’t think it should be making that noise.”

“Well…” Annabeth began, raising her voice to be heard over the baby. “Do you know how I was born?”Percy blinked a couple times.    
“Um… something with … thoughts… and stuff. You’re a  _ literal  _ brain- child. Your parents like...nerded you into existence, I think?” He didn’t sound awake enough to form a coherent answer.   
“Close enough.” Annabeth said. “ And you see this baby, right?” She waited for Percy to put two and two together,  in the most roundabout way possible as per usual.   
“You made a baby with your brain? You  _ thought  _ a human into existence?” He asked.   
“ _ We _ thought a human into existence.” She said. “Well. Two humans.”

Percy flopped back down in bed and tried to cover his eyes and ears at the same time.   
“Nope. We don’t have twins.No. Nu-uh. We’re not old enough for kids.Nada. Nah. This is a dream. Nien.  _ Non _ . This isn’t real. Ain’t happening. No. I refuse.”   
  


Annabeth rolled her eyes.   
“ It’s happening, seaweed brain. We need a plan.” She was already assembling one in her head. “We need to get the babies to the infirmary. Will Solace delivered a baby once, he’ll be able to tell if there’s anything wrong, right? And we need baby stuff. Like…cradles and baby powder and things. And parenting books. Lots and lots of parenting books.” Annabeth knew about babies in the vague way that the ancient Greeks had known about outer space. She had no  _ real  _ idea how they worked, but she was sure about some facts. They were usually small, for example.

  
The door of the cabin slammed against the wall.   
“For gods sake!” Annabeth whipped round to stare at the speaker in shock. "Are you just going to let a baby cry like that?" Nico Di Angelo, Son of Hades, master of the undead, gently took the baby from Annabeth's arms and held it close. He rocked it- slower than Annabeth had- and hummed what sounded like a lullaby. The baby stopped crying before he made it to the eighth note.  

Annabeth stared. Percy stared. The baby might have been staring, but it was hard to tell. One of the scariest demigods alive was standing in front of them like a barefoot angel, wearing a camp shirt that was far too big and pajama bottoms with tiny skulls on them, holding a baby. A baby that he was apparently incredibly skilled with.

"Nico... How did you do that?" Percy asked, eyes wide. Animals ran from Nico. Flowers wilted at his feet. And yet, this tiny child adored him.   
"It's a  _ baby.  _ "Nico said. "Not a rubix cube. Soothing a baby isn't exactly  _ hard. _ "

That got him more stares.     
"What?" He snapped. Annabeth was first to speak.   
"Nico, you're a child of one of the most powerful gods ever, and have a huge amount of power yourself." Nico nodded, still rocking the baby. "You can speak to and summon the dead, build with bones, and teleport through shadows." Another nod. "You have marched against armies, fought pretty much every type of monster imaginable, and been to  _ literal  _ hell." Another nod. "And you, of all people, are instinctively good with children? "

"I guess?" Nico said, shrugging. "Where did this kid come from? What's their name?"   
"It's a brainchild" Percy answered, dragging a hand through his tangled hair. "Me and Annabeth made it. And-"   
"Annabeth and I, not 'Me and Annabeth'. " Annabeth interrupted on impulse. Nico looked at her.   
"I thought a brainchild needed  _ two _ great minds?" He teased. Percy scowled. Annabeth let out a slightly hysterical giggle.

“ As I was  _ saying _ ” Percy said. “Annabeth says it’s a twin.”     
“Gods.” Nico said. “Where’s the other one?”   
“ I left it with Malcolm …” Annabeth said. Nico sighed.

“Twins don’t like to be apart. And Malcolm should  _ not  _ be left alone with a child. We should go get the other baby.” Nico started to walk away, and Annabeth followed because  _ he had her child.  _  Percy trailed after them, shivering  in his utterly inappropriate sleepwear. They were an odd trio. Nico in the shirt (which Annabeth was almost certain belonged to Will Solace) and skull pajama pants, holding a baby, Annabeth in her shakespeare nightie (printed with two bees, the words “or not” and two more bees) and Percy in nothing but Finding Nemo boxers and bright green socks, making their way across camp in the freezing early morning.  

When they got to the Athena cabin, the blonde baby was asleep in the drawer of a filing cabinet. The drawer had been padded with shredded documents. A few quotes from famous novels jumped out from the strips of paper. The child looked like they were a very intellectual baby jesus, asleep in the library equivalent of a manger. Malcolm seemed to have disappeared.

Nico handed the dark-haired baby to Percy, who froze on the spot, and  lifted the blonde one out of its printed prison.

The baby made a soft grunting noise at the movement, and something in Annabeth’s heart just  _ melted _ . Gods, it was cute. The babies were adorable. Her clueless, neon-socked boyfriend, looking at a baby like it was going to explode, was adorable. Even their pajamas were kind of adorable.

She was definitely having some sort of minor nervous breakdown.

“Will.” She said. “We should find Will. Solace. To give him the babies to examine. And the shirt back.”  As she had predicted, Nico blushed at that.     
“Why Will?” He asked. “There are about a  _ million  _ other Apollo kids.”   
“Will is the closest thing we have to um, a … midwife? I’m not sure who’s responsible for care of newborns, but I know Will Solace delivered a baby satyr. He’ll know what to do. And he’s probably the least terrible to wake up.”  

Nico shrugged.

“If you say so.” He said. Percy managed to unfreeze, but shuffled the entire way to the Apollo cabin, as if he was carrying a bundle of volatile nitroglycerin instead of a tiny infant in a onsie.

It turned out that Will Solace was  _ not  _ the least terrible to wake up. He was worse than Percy.

Annabeth tried gently shaking his shoulder, stealing his blanket - she’d heard a sharp change in temperature could wake people up- and literally just  _ commanding  _ him to wake up. She wasn’t Piper, though, so it didn’t work; Will was out like a light.  

“Will?” Nico was much quieter than she was- but Will actually reacted. By burying his face in his pillow and telling them to ‘frick the frack off’.“Will,  _ please _ …” Nico said. “We really need your help.” Will said something unintelligible   
into his pillow.   
“What?” Annabeth asked.   
“ ‘S  _ dark _ .” Will told the pillow,  louder this time. “ don’t do stuff when it’s dark. ‘M solar powered.”   
“But we just had  _ babies _ .” Percy whined. “Sort of. There are babies here. Annabeth and m- Annabeth and  _ I  _ made them. With our brains. And we don’t know what to  _ do _ .”   
“I’ll care when the sun comes up.” Will said, pulling the embroidered blanket over his head. “now. Frick the frack off.”   
“Will, if you don’t wake up I’ll be forced to take desperate measures.” Nico insisted.    
“ ‘S dark. Don’t  _ care _ . Go away.” Will was muffled by the blankets, and couldn't see Nico glaring.

“Well, if nobody  _ here  _ is going to make sure the babies are okay I’ll just have to take them to a hospital. Annabeth, do you know where the nearest hospital is?” Annabeth realised what he was doing, and played along.   
“Well, if you want to get them proper care, the nearest hospital with a demigod on the staff is… around fifty miles, I think? We’d have to go out of state for a specialist. I heard they have a whole demigod-run neonatal unit in Kansas.” She said. Percy started to interrupt, but she pressed a finger to her lips to shush him, and he stopped.   
“You and Percy would have to go. They’re your kids. so that’s … Five people, counting me.” Nico said. “I think the statue was like, at least twenty people worth of… stuff, so I should be fine. mostly. How far away is Kansas?”

“Nico, you are manipulative and  _ terrible _ .You should be a C.E.O.” Will emerged from the blankets and glared at his  _ close but still completely platonic friend _ . “Right. Babies. I’ll hold the babies and tell you if they’re dying or anything and then you all should  _ leave. _ ”   
Nico handed him the blonde baby, then whispered to Annabeth.   
“He’s just cranky because we messed up his sleep schedule. He’ll stop being an asshole if he gets a chance to take a nap.”

Will glared at him.

“ I am  _ not  _ cranky” he snapped. Nico rolled his eyes.

“Whatever you want to believe.” he said, the beginnings of a smile on his face. Will shifted the weight of the  baby a little.

“This one is a boy. He’s perfectly healthy, weighs five pounds ten ounces, and is going to be as annoying as his parents are. Congratulations." Will gave the baby back to Nico, who passed him on to Annabeth and took the other baby from Percy. He handed the dark-haired child to Will.

“This one’s a girl. She’s five pounds seven ounces, a little light even for a twin, but nothing to really worry about. Just keep her warm and make sure she’s fed properly. What are you going to name them?” Will handed the child to Percy. He was forcing a smile, being a Confident Medical Professional, but Annabeth could tell he was starting to hate them a little. 

“We should name her Marina!” Percy said, grinning. Annabeth groaned; he was going to be stupid about this. It was a coping mechanism. “No, Reef! Or Aquata! Or Brooke!”

“Percy.” She said. “ _ No _ . Be  _ serious. _ ”

“Why don’t you just name one each?” Will suggested.

“Percy should name the boy, Annabeth should name the girl.” Nico said. Annabeth scowled at him. 

“Do you  _ want  _ to be related to a boy named ‘Humuhumunukunukuapua’a’?”  She said. To her annoyance, Percy grinned. 

“That’s a great name! I was just going to go with ‘Nemo’.” He said.

 

“If you’re just going to fight over names, could you leave?” Will asked. “I- Wait, Nico, is that my shirt? You  _ stole  _ my shirt?”

“I didn’t steal it! You gave it to me after that time with the jawbone and the hellhound and Jason’s shoe!”  Annabeth could see an argument starting between the totally-not-a-couple. She adjusted her hold on her son - it was strange to think this child was  _ hers _ \- and used her slightly less occupied hand to gesture for percy to follow her outside.

 

Outside, the sun was starting to rise, and the air was cool. Annabeth sat down on the dewy ground, and tried to process everything without bursting into tears. The world of demigods was not one to raise children in. Not kids this young. How would they even take care of two babies? Where would they get all the things even  _ one _ baby needed? They barely knew how to hold a child, let alone  _ raise twins _ . They’d need to get married, to avoid the scandal. Could they get married at their age? They’d need parental consent, even if it was legal. They’d have to tell everyone. A girl at camp had decided to keep a baby when Annabeth was eight -  she’d announced it in front of the entire campfire and been kicked out. She needed a Plan.

Percy sat down next to her, more serious now. He knew her well enough not to try and talk. Annabeth started making a mental list.

 

Step one: Tell Chiron.

Step two: get supplies.

Step three: get help from people who knew how babies worked.

Step four: names.

Percy would be better at step one than she was; she could tackle step two while he dealt with the drama of having kids at camp. He held more 'political' power; you couldn't kick the son of a Big Three god out of camp for having children. A daughter of Athena? Maybe. She could IM Percy's mother and ask for supplies. Her cabin's library had to have at least one book on child care, surely. And for the names… there were a lot of people who could be honoured.

“Percy, go get dressed and tell Chiron. And  _ please  _ don’t name our child after a fish.”  she said. “I’ll IM your mom and make sure she doesn't kill you for kinda sort of getting a girl magically pregnant.”  

“Sure. We need to swap babies though, I want to hold Humu.” Percy said. 

“Humu?” Annabeth couldn’t quite pronounce it right.

“Short for Humuhumunukunukuapua’a.” The Hawaiian word sounded better in Percy’s mouth- a sign of his ancestry, she supposed. His mother was only Hapa, but she’d tried to teach him a few words. it was always a slight shock, when he switched from his standard New York accent to the few scraps of language he’d managed to keep intact.

They somehow managed to swap babies and stand up without disaster. Percy took off towards his cabin, and Annabeth walked towards hers. One of her siblings, Maya, had collaborated with a daughter of Hephaestus to make a machine that made mists for Iris messages. They probably wouldn’t mind if she borrowed it.

Annabeth pushed open the door of her cabin, trying not to wake anyone up. They still had at least an hour more of sleep allowed. She snuck over to the cluttered desk where the bronze rainbow-mist-maker gadget sat on a small stand. She hit the button marked “on”. A shimmering spray rose above it, and she tossed a drachma in.

“Show me Sally Jackson.” She said. The mist shimmered, and changed to a scene in Percy’s apartment.

To her surprise, Sally was already awake. Percy’s mother was sitting at a table drinking coffee from a "world's #1 mortal parent" mug. She was dressed in fuzzy pajamas, still looking half asleep.

“Annabeth?” She asked. “Why are you messaging me this early? Has something happened? Is Percy okay? Where did you get a baby? Wait, did you and Percy somehow manage to have a baby in- “

“No!” Annabeth said, before Sally could jump to more conclusions. “Well. Sort of yes? Just hear me out.” Sally nodded and took a sip of her coffee, waiting for Annabeth to continue.

“ You know how I’m a brainchild? Sprung from two great minds?” Annabeth said. Sally nodded. “Percy and I seem to have made some of those.” Sally’s eyes went wide.

“Oh gods…” she said. “Percy is  _ not  _ ready to have children. Do you want some help? I can babysit on weekends, and bring you some supplies - I can’t get into camp, but I could bring things to the border and drop them off. I’m sure I still have some of Percy’s old baby stuff somewhere, and I could buy you baby formula and diapers and things…”  

“That would be so, so helpful. You’re a  _ lifesaver _ .” Sally smiled at Annabeth’s answer.

“It’s no problem at all! I’m just happy everyone’s still safe. I can probably bring you some supplies around seven am, if that’s okay?” She said. Annabeth mentally thanked the gods for this amazing woman.

“Sure, seven is great! Thank you so, so much.” Annabeth said. For once in her life, everything was going to plan. All she needed was a name, and then everything would be fine. Probably. For a few days at least.  

She unceremoniously set her daughter down on her bed, grabbed a whiteboard, and started to brainstorm. Across the top of the whiteboard, she wrote NAME, REASON, and APPROPRIATENESS. She couldn’t give her daughter a name that would make her life worse, after all.

Annabeth had just finished writing “Rosalind” - after Rosalind Franklin - when Percy burst in. He’d finally gotten dressed. He was holding their son aloft as best he could while still supporting the baby’s head, and singing an imitation of a fanfare.

“Introducing” He announced. “The grandson of the great god Poseidon, future badass hero, and awesomest baby ever born ... Odysseus Humuhumunukunukuapua’a Horatio Jackson!”

“ Percy,  _ no _ ! I said  _ no fish _ !” Annabeth said, glaring at him. “And Odysseus got lost at sea for a  _ decade _ !”

“We can just call him ‘humu’. And your mom totally loved Odysseus, so that’ll help. And the original Jason died from getting hit on the head by a boat timber, and  _ our  _ Jason hasn’t died from any boat-related injuries.” Percy said, lowering the baby. 

“Our Jason has almost died from  _ numerous _ head injuries. He’s just managed to avoid old boats.” Annabeth argued back, writing down Marie, like Marie Curie.

“Maybe we should tell Jason to wear a helmet? And you can’t change what has already been decided. We did the birth certificate and everything. I’m meant to be asking what his sister is called.”

Annabeth rolled her eyes.

“I haven’t decided yet. I’ve had about an hour to decide something that will affect this girl’s  _ entire life. _ ” she said. Percy plonked their son down on the bed next to his sister and started grabbing random books off the shelves, and reading the spines.

“Marie Curie!” He said. “Ada Lovelace! Harriet Tubman! Rosalind Franklin! Florence Nightingale! Rosa Parks! Pick some of those!”  

“Harriet-Marie as a first name, Rosalind and Lovelace as middle names.”  The voice was more powerful than theirs, like a teacher in the first year of school after you stop getting naptime and start getting detention. It pushed the same mental buttons as failing a test and being told “I know you can do better …” or the look your parents gave you when the grades on a report card were too low. It made Annabeth want to beg for extra credit work, and Percy want to cry.

“Hi, mom.” Annabeth said. Percy dropped a hardback copy of ‘Madame Curie: A Biography’, leapt backwards so it wouldn’t land on his foot, and stepped on a stray test tube, which shattered under his heel. His eyes watered, but he managed not to cry.

“Good morning, lady Athena.” He said, trying to balance on one foot with shards of glass in his heel. Athena sighed, and made a facial expression that looked like the ancient equivalent of a face-palm.

She was in a form almost like an older, more angular Annabeth, light-haired and caramel skinned. The goddess was dressed in a pantsuit with her hair in a tight bun. In a sharp, slightly scary way, she was beautiful.

“Perseus, sit down before you make more noise. I don’t want you waking up the rest of my children.” Athena waved her hand slightly, and suddenly there was a chair for Percy to fall into. He silently sat and attempted to pick some of the glass out of his foot.

Athena turned to Annabeth, smiling like a teacher who’d just thought up a particularly evil pop quiz.

“Annabeth, I want you to understand that I am proud of you. It takes great intelligence and great strength to create a child like you have, and greater strength to raise one. And you have created  _ two _ .” She glanced at Percy. “Practically by yourself. It will be a test to care for them, but I am sure you will succeed. Just don’t let your ignoramus of a lover drop them too many times.”  

Percy scowled at this, but kept his mouth shut. He was learning.

"Thanks, mom." The words were barely out of her mouth before Athena had disappeared in a flash of gold light and chalk dust. In her place stood a tower of books with images of giggling babies on the covers, and titles like "Your magical part -mortal spawn and you" and "fun monster fighting activities for under-fives".

"Annabeth?" Percy said, more catching her attention than anything else. "I love you and all, but your mom is kinda a B-I-C-H."

"She's a B.C Rich guitar?" Annabeth asked, grinning slightly.  

"You know what I mean!" Percy said, getting to his feet. He balanced precariously on one foot and the tiptoes of the other, dripping blood into the floor. "I'm going to the infirmary to get this fixed. Sorry about your floor." He limped out, trailing bloody smudges like a horror film victim.  

Annabeth picked up the top book on the stack, and opened it. She skimmed the table of contents, and flicked to a chapter titled 'Battle slings: how to safely carry an infant in the rage of war'.  She studied the diagrams, found some cloth, and with great difficulty managed to tie both Harriet-Marie and Odysseus to her body.

Gods, she hated those names.

Slight off-balance from the extra weight, Annabeth grabbed some books from the pile and  trudged out to the border of camp to wait.  She sat carefully down on the rough ground by Thalia's tree, and opened "Motherhood with Magic: a guide to parenting and the supernatural". She'd made it to chapter four when the babies started wriggling against her chest, mouths open. According to the book, that meant they were either hungry or about to start breathing fire.  Either way, she was pretty much screwed.

 

Like an angel from above, Sally Jackson appeared amongst the trees, weighed down by several diaper bags. She grinned, and waved to Annabeth, who got awkwardly to her feet and waved back.

"Hi!" Sally said. She put a hand up against the barrier, and took one of the bags off her shoulder. "Okay, the green bag is diapers, blue is bottles and formula, and the beige-y one is clothes. Where's Percy?"

As if in answer to her question, Percy hobble-ran out of the infirmary, waving his arms like a maniac to get Sally's attention.

"MOM!" He yelled, sprinting the rest of the distance. He tackle-hugged his mother, almost knocking her over. "Hi! I missed you!" It hadn't been that long, but Percy appreciated every second he got with his mother; he was still making up for tartarus.

"Hi sweetie! I missed you too." Sally said. "What did you name my grandkids?"

"Odysseus and Harriet-Marie." Percy answered, and Annabeth struggled to stifle a giggle at the face Sally made.

"That's very-" Sally was saved by Odysseus screeching, which set off Harriet. Sally reached into the blue bag, and in a few minutes, Percy and Annabeth each had a baby and a bottle and a vague sense of hope.  Sitting there in the soft grass, bathed in warm, early-morning sunshine, it almost seemed like everything was fine. The kids were all right; and they might just manage parenting after all.

How hard could it  _ really _ be?

 


	2. Like father, like son.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now for the kinda-sorta-ish-mpreg. No actual traditional pregnancy involved. This part is so long it's in two chapters.

They were teenagers. They couldn't be expected to go their entire time at camp without getting drunk even  _ once.   _ Every teenager wants some fun, no impulse control, no inhibitions.

 

Percy was wrapping tinfoil haphazardly around his head, having had the  _ best idea ever.   _ If tinfoil could stop aliens from scanning your brain, it could stop brainwaves, so it would work like birth control for brainchildren. It was  _ science.  _ He flopped back on Jason's bed, his improvised hat crinkling as he did so. He managed to catch the last few words Piper was charmspeaking to Jason from their spot on the floor. Jason had taken off his glasses, and stored them with one arm linked on Percy’s collar. He was staring at Piper, looking enamoured with her. 

 

"...with your brain. Really quick. Like Athena." Piper said, then giggled. "Bet ya can't do it!" Jason scowled at her. 

"I'm the son of Jupiter. I can do  _ anything. _ " He said, crossing his arms

"Bro, there are some things you absolutely  _ cannot _ do." Percy said, laughing. "You can't go more than like, three fights without getting knocked out. You should wear a, a helmet. To stop you getting brain damage." 

"You should shut up to stop you getting  _ lightning _ damage." Jason retorted. He  poured himself another glass of the orangish "cocktail" the Stolls had put together. It tasted like fake fruit flavouring and cake mix, or a cheap scented candle, but it  _ worked. _

 

"Annabeth is so responsible and pretty." Percy blurted. Piper giggled again. "It's like, her brain is super beautiful and smart and shit, and the rest of her is just ...  _ Wow.  _ It's like dating wikipedia if wikipedia was  _ really really hot _ ."  Piper's giggling turned into a full on fit of ugly-laughing.  

 

"I-I think we should sleep." She said, once she'd got her breath back. "It's, like, late O'Clock. Early? Like four a.m." 

"I don't want to sleep." Percy said. "You can't  _ make _ me."

"Can too!" Piper insisted, and switched into her charmspeak voice. "Everybody, forget the fun and go to sleep!" 

 

There was a synchronized thud as all three demigods flopped over, breathing deep and even. Piper was asleep before she had a chance to realise that drunk charmspeak was a  _ bad _ idea.

 

\---------------------------

Piper woke up to the sound of Jason In Pain, which she was all too familiar with. Percy seemed to have vanished. This time, instead of being concussed or impaled, Jason was lying face down on his bed, making feeble noises into his pillow. As she got to her feet, he turned his head, squinting like the light hurt. Piper wasn't hungover, so Jason wouldn't be. What was going on?

"Migraine. Really bad migraine." He moaned. " _ Please _ get me painkillers.  _ All _ of the painkillers.  _ Please. _ " 

Piper nodded, and brushed the dust off her leggings and camp top. She wasn't exactly dressed to impress, and her siblings would probably bug her about it later, but this was a (very minor)   _ medical emergency _ . She padded barefoot to the door, gave up on finding her shoes, and stepped outside. 

 

The air was hot and thick with humidity. Dark, heavy thunderclouds hung in the sky. Piper glanced up, surprised. The weather at camp wasn't this bad, unless someone had angered the gods. They weren't ready for  _ another _ war. They had barely survived the last one. 

She got halfway across camp before the rain started, lukewarm droplets of it pattering into her hair and soaking her shirt. She didn't really mind-rain was only unpleasant if it was cold. Then she realised. 

 

The rain was only falling on her. Everywhere else was getting a light drizzle, Piper was absolutely drenched. Lord Zeus had definitely thought "fuck this girl in particular", but wasn't killing her. Piper started to jog; she'd be safer inside if Jason's dad decided to throw some lightning at her.The dusty ground beneath her feet turned to squidgy, slippery mud, and she skidded a little a she ran. By the time she got to the infirmary, her clothes and hair were saturated with water. She stepped through the door, wringing out her hair as she did so, and almost literally bumped into Annabeth. 

 

“Oh, hi Piper.” Annabeth said. She had her daughter in a sling, and looked like she hadn’t slept in about a week. Her hair was in some sort of  _ disastrously  _ messy bun. She was wearing an oversized shirt that said “ I sea what you did there” and backwards pajama pants. Despite the obvious exhaustion and strange clothes, she looked beautiful. She was standing by the reception area, leaning against the desk of the mini-pharmacy the Apollo kids had set up.

  
“Hi.” Piper said, dripping on the floor.  She'd left a trail of muddy footprints leading up to the reception . Her shirt was clinging to her body, making her feel exposed. There were splashes of mud on the bottoms of her leggings. She'd just have to act like she wasn't a mess. "How are the twins?" 

Annabeth smiled, proud. 

"Harriet is doing great!" She said. "She's only three months old, and she's already picking up toys like a four month old can! On the other hand, Odysseus-"

"Has colic." Will Solace interrupted, appearing out of nowhere with the blonde infant in his arms. Piper could have sworn that he'd learnt to shadow travel, his appearance was so sudden. "Essentially, that means he's fine. And I was totally right when I said he'd be as annoying as his parents." 

 

"Ha Ha Ha." Annabeth said, taking her baby back. " Piper, why are you here? Where are your shoes? Did Jason get attacked by another kid with a brick?" 

"Nope." Piper said, a little amused with the conclusion Annabeth had jumped to. "He has a migraine. He wants  _ all  _ the painkillers.and I think his father is annoyed with me. " 

"Jason can't have all the painkillers." Will said. " He can have ... Six kinds at once, counting the magical ones. I can't help with the whole wrath of the gods situation, though." Will scribbled a note on a scrap of paper and handed it to the little girl behind the desk. She squinted at it, and disappeared, returning a moment later with a ladder. 

 

Piper tapped her fingers on the desk as they waited. 

"Will, not to be rude, but don't you have stuff to do?" Annabeth asked. Will Solace was hovering awkwardly around the reception area, fidgeting with the bracelet and ace bandage he wore around his wrist. 

"Nope. " Will said. "Nico's meant to be here for therapy ten minutes ago." 

" _ Therapy _ therapy, or...?" Piper asked. Almost everyone needed therapy after two wars worth of trauma, but Nico had never actually attended any of his.  

"Nah, spooky goth magic therapy. We're working on getting his shadow traveling back up to standard." 

 

The little girl from behind the desk returned with six small boxes, a bottle of water and a leaflet about migraines, all of which she shoved across the desk to Piper. 

 

"Thank you." Piper said, smiling at the girl. She said her goodbyes to Will and Annabeth, then started back across camp. The rain followed her again, and her feet slowly became coated in mud. It was annoying and disgusting, but not actually harmful. She wondered if there was an award for inciting the strangest display of godly wrath. She’d win it for sure. 

 

Piper found Jason asleep, his face contorted into a pained scowl. She left the painkillers, water and leaflet on his bedside table and tiptoed out. She’d left smudges of mud across the smooth floor; she’d have to clean up later. She didn’t want to wake up Jason. Piper opened the door and frowned at the sky. She stuck her arm out, and the rain pounded down in a perfect outline of her arm. She tried a foot. The rain was ridiculously precise. Goddamn angry god and his goddamn godly powers.  

 

Piper stepped out into the rain. When she arrived at her cabin, her bangs were pasted to her forehead, and she was soaked literally to the skin. She was  _ not  _ ready for an angry Drew Tanaka. 

“Piper Mclean, you are in  _ so  _ much trouble.” Drew was glaring at her, the points of her eyeliner accenting the anger on her face. “Do you  _ know  _ how hard it is to keep a good reputation as children of Aphrodite?” 

“Huh?” Piper said, brushing her soaking hair out of her face.

“Right now, we live in a social climate where it is  _ unacceptable  _ for girls and women to be at all sexual as anything other than pretty prizes for the boys. Are you following?” 

“Are you calling me a slut?” Piper asked. She wasn’t sure what Drew was talking about, but the implications were clear. 

“Gods, Piper, no!” Drew was almost shouting. “I’m saying that while the entire  _ concept  _ of being a ‘slut’ is sexist and wrong, we still don’t want a reputation as something that’s looked down on like that. You and your roman boy aren’t exactly  _ helping. _ ”  

“Good fucking gods Drew, would you at least tell me what you’re bitching about?” Piper said. Drew had  _ no right  _ to just start yelling at her out of nowhere. Even if she had a point, that was just  _ rude _ . Typical Drew. 

“You know exactly why, Mclean! You can’t really expect to hide a  _ pregnancy  _ from the children of the goddess of  _ sexuality _ , you  _ idiot _ !” Drew was just getting more and more irritated over time. 

“Pregnancy? What pregnancy?” Piper asked, baffled. Surely they couldn’t think she was  _ pregnant?  _

 

Drew wordlessly held up a pink and white card. On the front was a watercolour painting of a baby. When she opened it, Piper grabbed it from her hand and read aloud. 

“To my darling Piper- Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your first child!” The words were in the elegant, looping script of her mother, the “i”s dotted with hearts. The gold ink was tacky against the oversaturated pink.“Drew, it says ‘upcoming’. That could mean in like… a  _ decade _ .” 

Another sibling, Josia, held up a copy of “What to expect when you’re expecting a partially olympian child” Drew gestured to the book as if to say 'see?'

 

"I'm not saying we won't support your choice, Piper." Drew said, her expression softening. "I'm just saying that getting pregnant at your age doesn't really speak to well of us, and it'll be hard to raise a baby here. You and Jason could go live in new Rome, I'm sure it'd be fine. And it's much safer for a family there-" 

"Drew, there is literally  _ no way _ I could be pregnant. I had my period last week. I'm not pregnant." 

There was, ironically, a pregnant pause. 

"You're not?" Drew blinked a couple times, gawping like a very glamorous goldfish. "Then ... Why...?" She gestured to the book again. The card. It didn't make sense. 

"No idea." Piper said, shrugging her shoulders. "Or maybe like ten years time counts as upcoming when you're immortal? Can I go get changed now, at least?"

Drew nodded, and Piper slipped behind a silk screen to get out of her soaking clothes.  

 

Ten minutes later, Piper left the Aphrodite cabin dressed for a hurricane. She'd found a pastel pink rubber raincoat, hat, boots and umbrella in case things got  _ really  _ bad. She had swordfighting practice that she was  _ not  _ going to miss. She couldn’t fight with a corpunica forever. She was  _ prepared.  _

The rain drummed on her hat and shoulders. When this didn’t touch her, a sudden gust of wind blew icy droplets  _ directly  _ into her face. She held up her umbrella to shield her face, and the wind blew into it from behind her like a sail, almost wrenching it out of her hands. Thunder boomed overhead. Campers started gathering to watch the pink-clad daughter of Aphrodite fight the king of the gods for her umbrella.  

 

Piper dug her heels into the muddy ground. Her hair was starting to stand on end. The umbrella was some designer label that she’d never heard of, and according to Drew, had cost over six hundred dollars. Piper was wearing a small fortune in foul-weather fashion. Normally, that wouldn’t have bothered her much, but these clothes were  _ borrowed _ .  

 

There was a deafening cracking sound, and a bright flash. For a split second, Piper’s shadow stretched across the muddy ground from the bright light. Lightning.

  
Piper made a very important decision. The umbrella could get  _ fucked _ . She was going to run. She dropped the umbrella and sprinted towards the Aphrodite cabin, almost slipping over in the mud. Lightning struck in front of her, blindingly bright. The mud boiled at her feet. 

 

Piper spun like a ballerina,blinking spots out of her eyes, and ran towards cabin one. Lightning struck behind her again, as if trying to spur her on. She skidded to a stop in front of the cabin and burst through the door, her boots trailing mud across the floor. She slammed the door shut and slumped against it, heart pounding. In all her years of training and questing, she’d never run like that before. She sprung away from the door. Bronze was metal; it would provide  _ fantastic  _ insulation against lightning.    
  


“Hey Pipes.” Jason said. He was kneeling on the floor in front of the hippie Zeus statue, as if he’d been praying. “Do you have any peanut butter? And do you know where my glasses are?” 

 

Piper stepped out of her rain boots, staring at Jason. Had he  _ really  _ not seen the impromptu lightning dance she’d been forced to go through?

“Did you really not  _ notice  _ that?” She asked, peeling off the pink raincoat. 

“Notice what?” Jason asked. “Did something happen?”  

“ Your father used  _ lightning  _ to  _ herd _ me to your cabin. I thought something had happened to  _ you _ .” Jason looked slightly guilty at that “What?” 

“I …  _ may  _ have been being  _ slightly  _ annoying.” He said.    
“What did you do?” Piper asked. Whatever Jason had done, his dad probably hated Piper a little already. Maybe he was trying to break them up? 

 

“I was praying for peanut butter.” Jason said. Piper opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again.“I know, I know!” Jason continued. “It’s dumb to pray for something like that but mealtimes are specific here and I want peanut butter  _ now _ .” 

“You made me face  _ the wrath of a god  _ because you wanted  _ peanut butter _ ?!?” Piper said. Her voice jumped up an octave as she spoke. That was  _ insane _ .  

“Well, technically, I just asked my dad for peanut butter. He did all the wrath parts.” Jason shrugged. “And since he led you here, that probably means you should get me some peanut butter.”  

 

“I am not getting you peanut butter!” Piper said. Thunder boomed outside and there was a flash as lightning earthed itself right outside the window. Somehow, Jason was right. “Fine. Fine. I’ll get you peanut butter. If it will prevent me from getting lightning-murdered, I will get you peanut butter.”  

“Thank you!” Jason called after her as she stormed out. This was  _ really  _ not her day. 

 

The rain kept falling on Piper as she stomped across camp. 

“I’m getting him peanut butter! what more do you  _ want  _ from me?!” She shouted at the sky. This entire ordeal was just  _ ridiculous _ . Why couldn’t Jason get his  _ own  _ peanut butter? There was nothing stopping him. 

 

“Piper! Hey! Piper!” Piper groaned and turned to look at the source of the voice. She didn’t want to deal with anything else today. Percy Jackson was running towards her, wearing a bright purple and orange winter hat. He was waving Jason’s glasses in the air. 

“What do you want? And why are you wearing that  _ horrendous  _ hat?”  She snapped.  

“Well, I needed the hat, to protect my tinfoil hat.” Percy said.  “And I found Jason’s glasses at the bottom of the lake. I thought you could give them to him, since I need to go teach some ten-year-olds swordplay.”  

“Give Jason his glasses back yourself. I’m busy getting him  _ peanut butter _ .” Piper said. “And take off that stupid hat. It’s dangerous and painful to anyone with a fashion sense.” 

“Excuse you, this hat is the  _ height  _ of Hot Coatoor.” Percy said. “Annabeth’s brother made it.”  Piper blinked at him, then burst out laughing. 

“Do you mean  _ Haute couture _ ?” She said. “And why do you have a tinfoil hat in the first place?”  

“Well, if it can protect you from aliens, it can protect you from making mind-babies.” Percy answered, mock-superior. “It’s  _ science _ .” Piper was pretty certain that it  _ wasn’t  _ science, but thunder rumbled overhead. She powerwalked away, waving goodbye to Percy as she did so. 

 

Piper got into the kitchens easily- there was one kid guarding the door. He was happy to help a hero of Olympus. She wasn’t sure what kind of peanut butter Jason wanted, and getting the wrong type would probably get her  _ literally  _ killed. She grabbed a jar of smooth peanut butter and a jar of crunchy, and made her way back across camp. The rain had slowed to a drizzle, but was still heavier over her head. 

 

When she stepped back into cabin one, Jason  _ attacked  _ her to get the peanut butter jars out of her hands. 

“You are an  _ angel _ .” He said, twisting the lid off the jar of crunchy peanut butter. He stuck his fingers in it, and scooped some into his mouth. It was a little gross to watch, but the sky cleared immediately. Jason had his glasses back, Piper noted. 

“Why did you want peanut butter that much, anyway?” She asked. Jason shrugged.    
“I don’t know. I just  _ really  _ wanted peanut butter. Like, I would have  _ died  _ without it probably.” He stuck his fingers in the jar again. “Besides, it’s just  _ good _ .” 

Piper didn’t remember him ever liking peanut butter that much before, but she decided not to comment. If Jason wanted peanut butter, he probably needed peanut butter.  

 

Piper was going to leave Jason to his peanut butter and get some training done, but there was a knock at the door. 

“Come in!” Jason yelled, before eating more peanut butter.  

The door opened and a small girl with cornrows stepped in. 

“ Jason Grace?” She asked, in a slight British accent.  Jason nodded, his mouth full of peanut butter. “I’m  Quanda.  Will Solace sent me to ask if you might have PTH.”  

Jason swallowed. “I have  _ no  _ idea what that is.” He said.

“Basically, have you hit your head recently?”  Quanda asked. “You have a long history of concussions and we need to make sure you haven’t gone and got yourself brain damage.” 

“I do not have brain damage.” Jason said, at the same time Piper said “He probably had brain damage already.”  Jason glared at her. 

 

“Give me ten seconds and I can check.” Quanda said. “I can scan for that sort of thing - you know, like Will does?” Jason shrugged. 

“Sure, whatever.” He said. The girl moved towards him and laid a hand on his forehead as if checking for fever. She moved her hands back around his head, trailing her fingers through his hair in a way that made Piper slightly uncomfortable.

“Well, you don’t have brain  _ damage _ .” She said. Jason gave Piper a look, as if to say ‘see?’ “Just ...don’t get any more concussions, okay?” Quanda said, and hurried out. 

 

“I can’t believe you thought I had brain damage!” Jason said, making an overdramatized expression of betrayal.  “I thought you  _ loved _ me.” 

“I love you when you’re not eating peanut butter like a toddler.” she said. “And maybe brain damage could make you want to eat  _ two thirds  _ of a jar of peanut butter in like, five minutes.” 

“I haven’t ate that much -” Jason said, looking at the jar. “-oh. I just like peanut butter. It doesn’t mean I have brain damage. ”

“Jason, that is not a normal amount of peanut butter. Shut up.” 

 

//break\\\

 

Quanda jogged back to the infirmary, swearing under her breath. Rain fell, targeting her like it had Piper earlier that day. She was  _ thirteen! _ She was too young to die! 

 

Soaking wet, she sprinted through the door and wove between beds until she found Will Solace. He was kneeling on the floor, bracing a young girl’s ankle. Quanda tapped him on the shoulder. 

“Just a second.” He said, securing the brace. 

“This can’t wait.” Quanda said. Gods above, he was going to  _ kill _ her. He was going to get Nico Di Angelo to drag her personally to the fields of punishment. 

Will stood up, and waved over their brother. 

“Mark, Nina here has a grade 2 ankle sprain. Can you talk her through P-R-I-C-E and avoiding H-A-R-M while Quanda tells me about this thing that cannot wait three seconds?” Mark nodded, and Will turned to Quanda. 

“What did you want?” He asked. 

“It’s Jason Grace.” She said. “He’s gonna- well, maybe we should talk about it somewhere less ... busy?”  

 

Will led her out of the infirmary into the empty rec room. 

“What’s wrong with Jason?” He asked. “Please tell me he hasn’t hit his head  _ again _ .” 

“No, well, not exactly…” Quanda said, her voice brittle. “He- I’m not sure, but I think he’s getting one of the brain tumors where… uh… the kind with all the different cell types. I  _ saw  _ it. It’ll be big enough to be dangerous within a week or so.”  

Will stared at her. 

“You’re telling me.” He said. “That Jason Grace, the son of one of the most _powerful_ and _trigger-happy_ gods _in existence,_ has _an_ _Intracranial Teratoma_ , and we didn’t _notice_?” 

“He’s going to.” Quanda corrected. Her gift was an odd mashup of healing and prophecy; it was usefull but could be a little confusing to laypeople. 

“There’s like, a 0.00000001 percent chance of Jason getting an Intracranial Teratoma. There’s a  0.00000001 percent chance of  _ anyone  _ getting an intracranial teratoma. Are you sure you didn’t make a mistake?” Will asked, sounding terrified. There’s no mistakes with divine powers. 

“I’m sure. It’s not going to be quite…  _ in  _ his brain? Like, it’s right at the edge, if it’s connected at all.” Quanda always tried to look on the bright side, and not the “death-by-lightning-bolt” side. 

“Okay. Okay. You’re  _ probably  _ wrong…” Will said. “and if you’re right, we’ll probably all be killed.” 

“How about we like… wait? To see if he starts showing more symptoms?” Quanda suggested.  Will looked at her like she’d just said two and two added to make seven hundred. 

“ _ No _ .” He said. “You can’t just leave something like this. If it’s malignant we need to know so many things. We need to be  _ sure _ .” 

“It’s in the modernized Hippocratic oath, isn’t it? The bit about avoiding overtreatment?” Quanda said. Will looked like he was giving up on life. 

“We’ll give it a week. Like you said. If Jason starts showing symptoms by this time next week, we’ll get him in here and try and fix things. If he doesn’t, we’ll leave him alone.” Will said every word like he hated it.  


	3. Like father like son, part 2: The angstening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2. anything goes in this fic :)

It was a beautiful morning in camp half blood. The sun was rising over the sea, making the water seem to glow. A chorus of birds sang in the woods, and the harpies glided back to their perches for the day. Very few demigods were awake. Those who weren’t still sleeping were enjoying the early-morning quiet; sipping tea or jogging or reading by the dawn light. 

 

Jason Grace was spending the beautiful morning trying not to actually vomit up an organ. He’d woken up feeling  _ awful _ , stood up and had to sprint to avoid puking on the floor. It seemed that eating nothing but two and a half jars of peanut butter in a day  _ might  _ have been a bad idea.  

 

Jason had somehow managed to wobble back to bed and collapse in a heap. His headache was back and the world was spinning. How  _ fun _ . Maybe if he shouted loud enough, Percy would hear him over in cabin three and alert a healer. Or maybe he could try praying again, but that might lead to another repeat of yesterday’s peanut butter catastrophe . He pulled the blanket over his head, and gave up. He could suffer in silence for a few hours. 

 

Jason was woken up, rather rudely, by Percy.    
“Bro. Bro. Jason. Bro. wake up. Bro.” Percy said, poking Jason in the face.  Jason groaned and rolled over to escape. “You’re gonna miss breakfast if you don’t get up.”  Jason stared at the wall, trying to decide if he felt well enough to eat. He decided to chance it; he felt  _ mostly  _ better. 

“Give me ten minutes.” he said.

“Okay.” Percy left, and Jason got to his feet, still slightly unsteady. He threw on some jeans and a camp shirt, and stepped outside. It was too hot to be a nice day, and there was still a blanket of storm clouds. The warm, miserable weather seemed very appropriate for Jason’s mood. He was mostly quiet on the walk to the dining pavilion; his mind wasn’t clear enough for conversation. Percy shot him a few concerned looks as they walked. The aggressive colours of Percy’s stupid winter hat were hurting his eyes. 

 

When they arrived at the dining pavillion, Percy immediately started heaping a plate with food. Jason was more hesitant; there was everything from cereal to grits to fresh fruit, but none of it seemed remotely appealing. The fruit looked sickeningly slimey. The smell of the sausages and bacon was too strong; nauseating. Just the  _ look  _ of the scrambled eggs made Jason gag a little. He settled on some dry toast and ginger tea. He had vague idea that ginger was good for nausea, and toast was what you ate when you were sick. He was slightly disappointed though- the toast would have been much better with some peanut butter.

 

Jason hated sitting on his own, but that time he was grateful. Sitting on his own let him eat as slowly as he needed to and not talk to anyone. Halfway through his first piece of toast, was interrupted. A small boy with dark hair, tan skin and pale eyes practically bounced over, holding a notepad.    
“Hi!” He said, grinning like a maniac. “I’m Hassan, son of Aphrodite, and I’m a reporter for Di Immortals, the camp magazine.” 

“No you’re not. You’re like…  _ nine _ .” Jason said. He could not be bothered with this.  

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be a reporter.” Hassan said. Gods, the kid was annoying. “Now, do you have any thoughts on the rumors of your girlfriend’s pregnancy?” Jason almost choked on his toast. 

“My girlfriend’s  _ what? _ ” He asked, shocked. He knew that  _ he  _ hadn’t gotten Piper pregnant. 

“Ooh, is the baby not yours?” Hassan asked. 

“Fu-  _ go away _ , brat.” He told the kid. There was no way that Piper was having someone else’s baby. She just wasn’t that kind of person. Unless some magical bullshit had happened, like with Percy and Annabeth. Jason let out a groan and laid his head on the table. Hassan, thank the gods, went away. 

 

The next few days were similarly unpleasant. Jason existed in a state of annoying malaise, until the day when everything went to hades in a handbasket. 

 

He was practicing archery with Percy, because both of them were  _ awful  _ with a bow. The sky was still stormy, even after five days. clouds seemed to be centering over Jason, like the sky was trying to give him a hug. 

“Dude, I just realised something.” Jason said. Percy looked over, lowering his bow. He’d managed to hit the target twice so far, which was pretty good by his standards. 

“What?” he asked. 

“I’m  _ literally  _ under the weather.” Jason said, pointing up at the dense patch of cloud above his head. 

“Dude-” Percy said, and then suddenly he was much closer and Jason was sitting on the ground, looking up at Percy and a boy he didn’t recognise. He felt like he’d just gotten off a rollercoaster with too many loops, and so, so tired.  He’d dropped his bow at some point. 

 

“What the hell was that?” He asked, in sync with Percy.  

“That was a complex partial seizure.” said the other boy. His eyes were the kind of blue that only Apollo’s children had. “Jason. You just had a complex partial seizure, do you understand?”  

Jason nodded. 

“I… I don’t  _ usually _ have seizures.” he said. “What does that even mean? Complex partial seizure? How can you have  _ part  _ of a seizure?” 

“We can explain it better at the infirmary. We need to find out what caused it first.”  The boy brushed a lock of red hair out of his face. “Jason, do you think you can walk there?”  

“Of course.” Jason insisted. He stood up, slightly off balance. “See? I’m  _ fine _ .” 

“Bro, you just had a  _ seizure _ . That’s pretty much the opposite of fine.” Percy said. 

 

The walk to the infirmary was slow and scary. Jason was running through everything he knew about seizures in his head. Seizures were caused by epilepsy. He was pretty sure that involved electricity in your brain.

 

That was all he knew.  

 

Percy and the random Apollo kid hovered uncomfortably close to him the entire way there, like they expected him to fall at any second. Percy was silent, which was disturbing. 

 

When they got to the infirmary, the Apollo boy led Jason to a bed and ran to find Will. Percy dragged over a plastic chair and sat next to Jason’s bed. 

“You’re gonna be fine.” He said, more to himself than to Jason. “Epilepsy doesn’t kill people. It’s just… a thing.”  

  
Will solace ran in, looking like something otherworldly. He seemed almost to be glowing, as if he had sunlight trapped under his skin.  

  
“Hi.” He said. “Okay. Um, Percy, you might want to leave.” Percy crossed his arms. 

“I’m staying.” He insisted. “I want to know what’s  _ wrong _ .”  

“Fine. You can stay, that’s not unnecessary or invasive. Totally not a violation of confidentiality anything  _ at all _ .” 

Percy stayed stubbornly put. Will gave up. 

“Okay.” The healer said. “I can deal. Percy, don’t tell  _ anyone  _ any of what you hear, got it?” Percy nodded. 

“Can we just…” Jason gestured vaguely with his hands. “Get this over with?” 

“Sorry.” Will said. “Right, Jason. Besides the seizure, have you had  _ any _ symptoms? It doesn’t matter if it seems unrelated, just … anything.”  

 

Jason considered that for a second. 

“I threw up some. But I thought that was just from eating like, three jars of peanut butter in one day. Actually, that’s a thing, I’ve been  _ craving  _ peanut butter. And getting headaches, but I thought that was just ‘cause I wasn’t sleeping enough or something. I figured it would just go away if I waited.” He said, shrugging. Will looked at him like he was the dumbest person alive. The  glow under his skin seemed to get brighter, redder. Jason wasn’t sure if it was real or not; Percy didn’t seem to be reacting. 

“Jason Grace.” Will said. “Promise me you will  _ never  _ just ‘wait for it to go away’ ever again. That is just plain  _ stupid _ . Percy, be useful. Could you describe what Jason’s seizure looked like?” 

“Weird.” Percy said. “It was like… You know when someone’s chewing gum? It looked like that, but he was just staring into space, with his eyes open really wide. He wouldn’t like, respond to me. It was … scary.”  

 

Jason didn’t remember  _ any  _ of it. It was terrifying, part of his life going missing  _ again _ . What if it was a side effect of the whole experience with Hera? Was Percy next? They’d both had their memories erased.  Gods, if Percy had to go through this too... 

 

“Okay.” Will said.  “Jason, can I do a scan of your head? I think I know what’s happening to you, but I need to be sure.”  Jason nodded, and Will laid a hand on his head, like he was checking for a fever. He repeated the exact movements  Quanda had around a week ago. He paused a moment before speaking, the glow under his skin dimming.    
“Jason, do you understand why I did that?” He asked. 

“To see what my brain is doing?” Jason asked, “To see what sort of...epilepsy…” He trailed off, his heart sinking. Percy had grabbed his hand at some point. It was something at least. Emotional support. 

“I’m sorry, Jason, but it’s not epilepsy. You have a brain tumor.” Will said. The light under his skin went out completely, making him look corpseish in comparison. Jason was almost certain his heart stopped. 

 

“Am I going to die?” He asked. 

Percy was squeezing his hand too tight, hurting his fingers. It was the only thing that made everything feel real.  Will paused for a moment. 

“Honestly, I don’t know. Teratomas, the kind of tumor you have, are rare.  Intracranial - that is, inside the head - teratomas are  _ incredibly _ rare. The few studies I can think of don’t have the best survival rates, but they aren’t demigods. I’d say you have more than a fifty- fifty chance of making it five years. More if you have a  craniotomy and it doesn’t recur .”  He said. Every word was careful. 

“Craniotomy?” Jason asked. He felt numb; like he was in shock. Brain tumor. Brain tumor. Gods. He had a brain tumor. If Percy didn’t let go of his hand soon, he’d break his fingers. How was he going to tell Piper? They'd have to break up. He couldn't do that to her. 

 

“Essentially, it’s an operation to access your brain. We’d remove a section of the skull, remove the tumor and then replace the bone and stitch everything up.” Will explained. 

“No.” Percy said, getting to his feet Will and Jason stared at him. “You aren’t doing that. Not  _ here _ . We can go to a hospital or something, we could -” 

“I’m sorry Percy, I didn’t know you had fifty thousand dollars to spare.” Will said. “Because that’s about how much brain surgery usually costs.” Percy paused for a second.    
“At least get a real brain surgeon!” He insisted. “No offense, Will, but you’re  _ fourteen! _ ”  

“Percy,  _ I’ve done this before _ .” Will's composure cracked slightly."We live in a world with curses and vengeful gods. I’ve been here almost a  _ decade _ . Do you really think there hasn’t been a  _ single person  _ who’s needed basic brain surgery before? It’s not even  _ your _ brain. You can’t just make decisions about someone else’s brain. And I’m  _ fifteen _ now.” 

 

Percy shut up and sat down, staring straight ahead. His eyes were watery,but his face was blank. Jason could almost hear the thoughts in his head- the looping mantra of "don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry". They all did it. 

"Should I get Piper?" Percy asked. His voice was as delicate as sugar-glass. Jason nodded. He wasn't going to die. Maybe. Piper could focus on the maybe, right?  

 

Percy left without another word, looking over his shoulder every few seconds as if to check that Jason was still there.

 

//break\\\

Piper's lungs were burning as she ran, followed by Percy and Annabeth. She ran through the open infirmary door, located Jason, and collapsed into hugging him. She was sweaty from running in the heat and gasping for air, but Jason still buried his face in her hair and held her close.  

"I could fix it. I- I'm getting really good at charmspeaking bodies..." She said, muffled by Jason's shirt. 

 

And then she started crying, weak, hiccuping sobs that made her feel more helpless than she'd ever been in her life. Jason started crying too, silently. She could feel the awkward breathing of it; Jason  never been one to cry aloud. Nobody moved, nobody spoke. Piper wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, locked in the embrace and crying their eyes out. Will eventually had to break them apart and shoo everyone out, claiming visiting hours were over. They could come back at nine a.m.

 

//break\\\

 

Jason woke up the next morning with a pounding in his head and the absolute knowledge that if he moved an inch, he  would vomit. That'd ruin his eye-burningly orange infirmary pajamas, which wouldn't exactly be a bad thing. He could  _ hear  _ the pounding of his headache. It was a soft, steady "baboom, baboom, baboom" like a heartbeat. And it was really freaking him out. And he needed peanut butter, and Piper. For emotional support.  

 

He heard the curtain around his bed being pushed aside and risked a quiet "hi" to let whoever was there know he was awake. Their footsteps grew closer, then the intruder shattered his eardrums by screeching. 

"Ohmygods, WILL!" The voice was young and feminine, but at that point Jason didn’t care. that had been physically  _ painful _ . 

 

Will Solace appeared a few seconds later. He looked like he'd slept at a desk. His hair was a frizzy mess and there were imprints of paperclips and what looked like a stapler on his cheek. 

"Will... Something in his head is  _ moving. _ " The voice belonged to a small girl with dark hair and green eyes. She couldn't be more than eight, and she was pointing at Jason like he was an alien. She looked more than a little terrified.   

"Moving how? What kind of something?" Will asked, rubbing his eyes. 

"Pulsing. Like... Like a heart but really little. And it's  _ in the tumour. _ " The girl sounded like she was narrating a badly-written horror film. Jason struggled to believe this was all happening inside his head. 

 

The world tilted sideways and Jason lay back down, clutching handfuls of the bedsheets in case everything was actually spinning. Will laid a hand on Jason's forehead. 

Will Solace, as a rule, didn't swear. He'd say "fiddlesticks" and "shoot" with such violence it almost made up for it, but he wasn't going to be the reason a little kid learned their first cuss word. Swearing, according to Will, was just unprofessional.

 

So Jason was very concerned when he heard Will say "holy motherfucking shit." 

 

"Oh gods, what now?" He asked, his voice sounding odd over the constant pounding sound.  It was too bright to try opening his eyes again.  

 

"Well, good news, I was wrong. Very wrong. About the wrongest possible. Bad news is, if I'm right... Well. I'm going to get a second opinion. Don't move." Will said. His footsteps were quick as he left.  

 

Jason did exactly as he was told, mostly because moving made it feel like he was in a glider in a hurricane. Will came back with  Quanda- Jason recognised her accent from a distance. Her response to what she could sense in Jason's brain was a simple "bloody fuckin hell."

 

By the time they'd compared notes and came to a conclusion, Jason felt slightly better. He opened his eyes. 

 

“Okay. Um…” Will said. “Jason, do you know the myth of the birth of Athena? Or.. Minerva, if you want to be Roman about it. doesn’t matter. Do you know the story?” 

“Yeah, why?” Jason answered. He could barely hear himself think. The thudding was too distracting. 

“Well. Um. You're not going to believe me, but it looks like you're doing something similar." Will sounded like he was going into shock, probably because Jason was breaking numerous laws of nature.

"You're  _ joking _ ." Jason said.

"Nope." Quanda popped the p. "You have a fetus in your skull. It's got a heartbeat and everything. You’re pregnant. Congratulations." 

Jason tried to understand. He really tried. 

“Fuck.” He said. “Wait, aren’t fetuses like,  _ tiny _ ? How the hell did that look like a tumor?”  

“It’s like, a fetus, but surrounded by a sort of … thicker version of an amniotic sac? There’s certainly fluid in there, but not much. It’s mostly like… a wall of cells. It’s started separating itself off from your brain. And there’s already cell differentiation. This isn’t exactly  _ common. _ " Will said. He was fiddling with his bracelet again. Jason took note of that- a stress response? Will of all people probably had the  _ least  _ right to be stressed. He wasn't the one  _ growing a human infant _ inside his fucking head. He hadn't gone through the bullshit of literally his entire social group thinking he was terminally ill. 

 

"You're a healer. It's your  _ job _ to know medical shit."  Jason snapped. For a split second, Will's confidence seemed to waver. It was a fraction of a shift in his body language, the slightest suggestion of a scowl. Jason could have sworn he'd imagined it. 

"This is very much mythical schist, Jason." Will said, calm again. "Literally the only other time this has ever happened was in a myth."

"You should still  _ know _ !" Jason insisted. His eyes were starting to sting, and he was determined not to cry  _ again _ . Will was being stupid, basic biology had fucked off long ago, and the whole situation was ridiculous. Jason was not going to let this bullshit make him cry. 

"Woah, someone's hormonal." Quanda rolled her eyes as she spoke, then slapped a hand over her mouth, like she'd just realised what she'd said.. Jason  _ growled _ , and threw a pillow at her head. 

 

//break\\\

Piper sat down on the deck next to Jason, still reeling from the news. She’d laughed, then cried, then gotten into Annabeth’s hoard of parenting books. Jason was flicking through “Motherhood with magic” and eating peanut butter straight from the jar. At least he had a spoon this time.  

 

It was all so weird it made her numb. She was starting to feel happy in a vague, uncertain way- this wasn't exactly an everyday situation. 

 

Piper thumbed through the magazine her siblings had made. The glossy pages reflected the weak sunlight, making it difficult to read. 

“Jason, did you know my cabin thinks you’re cursed?” She asked, grinning at the sensationalised headline. Jason glanced over at her, shrugged and went back to his book.  

“The  _ curse  _ of the little big three!” She read “Two down, one to go- are they just unlucky? or is something more going on?” 

“The ‘little big three’?” Jason said. “That’s the worst name for any group of people ever. Make your siblings  _ stop _ .” 

“They’re just having some fun. The kids who make this magazine are like, nine. And they still think I’m pregnant.” Piper held up the magazine for him to see. There was a two-page article with a big picture of her in the pink raincoat, titled ‘it’s unexpected… is she expecting??? Pregnancy provokes wrath of the Gods’ The corners of Jason’s mouth went up, like he wanted to laugh but wasn’t sure if he should. He pushed up his glasses.    
“Pretty good writing for a tabloid.” He said. “They’ll probably have a total aneurysm when they find out what’s actually going on.”  

“Probably not.” Piper titled her head slightly, thinking. “They’d love the idea of getting people pregnant with the power of love alone. Hassan spent like a week trying to make a mind-baby with Charlie, like Percy and Annabeth’s twins.”  

“Did it work?” 

“Of course not. They’re like nine years old; they can’t breed.” Piper glanced up at the sky, hoping it might be slightly less cloudy.  “And can you  _ imagine  _ how many babies there’d be running around if everyone could make them that way? Someone would probably die.”  

 

Jason moved closer to Piper, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her in. 

“The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and you’re here with me” He said, ignoring that the sun was hidden in the blanket of clouds. “It’s a beautiful day to be magically brain-pregnant.” 

Piper laughed out loud. 

“Sure is.” She said. 

“What are we gonna name it?” Jason asked.

"Hmmm..." Piper said, as if she was thinking. "Jason junior."  

"What if it's a girl?"  

"Still Jason junior."  

"If it's a girl, we're not calling her Jason. I refuse." 

" _ Piper _ junior?" 

"No. It's not going to be a girl anyway." 

"How do you know?" Piper asked. 

"I just  _ know _ ." Jason insisted.

"We need to plan a baby shower. We should have like, a sky theme." Piper said. Her cabin wouldn't let the chance for a baby shower slip by, and neither would she. For some odd reason, it was in their blood. 

 

//break\\\

The baby shower landed on a warm, damp day. The sky was dark and the air was saturated with humidity, making the paper decorations wilt.  The guests were chattering excitedly, and it seemed like the entire demigod population of the world was there. Half of camp Jupiter had showed up, and somehow Thalia had dragged along the hunters. 

 

Jason wasn't enjoying it. There were too many people, the music was awful and too loud, and his almost full-term magic  child was having a great time repeatedly kicking him in the frontal lobe. The thing was tiny, but still big enough to compress his brain. He just wanted to eat peanut brittle cake with his girlfriend in peace. They didn't need another toy bird, they already had like, umpteen million. It was a little hellish. 

 

Piper and Jason were sharing a "loveseat", which was just a pretentious way of saying "two-seater sofa". The music had been changed from the Apollo cabin's perfect baby shower playlist (tm) and the stereo was now blasting "turn down for what". The day had been a barrage of useless gifts from people he didn't know. And the last thing he would get to eat for two days was cake and cold chicken curry. Fun. 

 

Piper sat up from where she'd been cuddled against him. 

 

"Jason..." She said. "Is that your  _ sister _ ?" 

 

Jason looked up to see an intimidating figure elbowing through the crowd, wielding a bow like a battering ram. Thalia had made a lot of effort to look nice- she was wearing a delicate silvery dress, and her hair was brushed into something like a pixie cut. If anything, it made her look  _ more _ murderous.  Jason wrapped his arms around Piper, as if to protect her. 

 

"Piper McLean!" she yelled, storming over. Heads turned. Thalia radiated power, static crackling over her hair and clothes. "I don't know how the  _ fuck _ you did it, but I'm still pissed off. I swear, if you put one toe even fractionally out of line, I'll shock you into oblivion and scatter your ashes to the winds, clear?"  

"Crystal." Piper said. Jason could hear the bitchy-aphrodite-kid smirk in her voice.  

"That is slight overkill." Jason said, carefully. Thalia could be scary if you made her angry. 

 

"Jason, you're my brother and I love you, but if the genders in this were flipped it'd be MTV fodder. I just want to make sure the beauty queen here won't abandon you. And you cried when you ran out of Reese's peanut butter cups, you can't exactly accuse  _ me _ of overkill."  Thalia said. Her theatrical electric aura was making  Jason's hair stand on end. 

 

"Jason!!" Percy was yelling somewhere in the distance. They'd been saved. Saved by the bro. 

 

Percy ran over, holding a soft package above his head as if to protect it. 

"It's not for Piper." He said, handing it to Jason. "Oh, hey Thalia." 

 

Jason unwrapped the package. It was a slightly badly knitted beanie that was embroidered with the words ...

 

"World's best mom?"  Jason asked. Piper giggled. 

 

"Yeah! You're gonna be a great mom. And Will said that they'd have to shave your head for the surgery, so I thought you might like a hat."  

 

"Percy..." Jason said "that is the most amazing thing like, ever. If I wasn't busy hugging Piper I'd totally hug you right now."  

 

It was so great though. Percy could barely sit through a twenty minute TV show, but he'd learnt to knit and then made a whole hat with words and everything. The amount of work... 

 

"Dude, are you crying?"  

 

"No! This is just like, an emotional time for me." 

 

"So you really liked the hat, huh?" 

 

"Bro, I  _ love _ the hat." 

 

Percy and Jason shared a very heartfelt fistbump. 

 

//break\\\ 

 

Later, Jason would look back on this and laugh. But right now he was mostly confused. 

 

Why was he in a room with a middle schooler and a angel? 

 

"You're coming round from anesthesia, Jason. And I'm not in middle school." Said the middle schooler.

 

Wasn't anesthesia a Russian princess?

 

"That's  _ Anastasia. _ " Said the angel.

 

Why would an Angel know Russian history? 

 

"I'm not an Angel. I'm your girlfriend."

 

Jason had died and gone to heaven.  Actual heaven. He'd have to learn how to play harps. Shouldn't he be in the underworld somewhere?

 

He was totally going to call the baby Anesthesia. Amnesia. Aphasia. Whatever. 

 

"We're not naming our daughter when you're high."  

 

Jason could fly. He'd name his daughter whatever he wanted. He'd take her to the moon and nobody could tell him what to do then. 

 

"Artemis could tell you what to do. She's goddess of the moon." Said the not-angel. 

 

Jason wasn't going to listen to his dumb half sister. He was gonna be president of the moon and rule by democracy. The astronauts could vote but he'd have to rig the vote so he'd win.  

 

"That's a little bit evil." 

 

New voice! New person! Percy, the broest of bros! The bromeo to Jason's Mercutibro! 

 

Percy should totally be vice president of the moon.

 

"Gods, Will, what did you  _ give _ him?" 

 

Future presidency of the moon. Duh. 

 

Also Will looked like the kind of person who would be from space or the future. They don't have hair gel in the future. It was a fact. From doctor who.

 

"I'm a little offended by that." 

 

Are they in the future? Is that why the telepathy?  

 

"You've literally been saying everything aloud." That was the angel again. 

 

Did it hurt when she fell from heaven?

 

That was a serious question.

 

Heaven must be very high in the sky. 

 

"Higher than you are right now?" 

 

More people? Why? 

 

It was Wednesday Addams but a boy. Maybe. Maybe just Wednesday Adams with a haircut and a boy shirt. 

 

People laughed at that. Wednesday threw a bone at him but it was tiny so it didn't matter. It was like throwing a teeny rock at a cloud.

 

"Oh my gods. Jason needs to get high more often."  

 

Jason didn't have time. He had to go conquer the moon. He had to bring liberty and justice to all the astronauts. 

 

But first he had to take a nap. 

 

// break\\\ 

 

When Jason woke up, the first thing he was aware of was Piper, holding his hand. 

 

His head hurt more than he realised was possible. 

 

"Ow. Piper, I love you, but I also hate you for this." 

 

"You don't have proof it was me."  

 

Jason opened his eyes to give her a  _ look  _ and stopped. In Piper's free arm was a baby-  _ their _ baby. 

 

“Let me hold him” Jason sat up, ignoring the throbbing of his stitches. Piper handed the baby over, gently. 

 

“Her.” She said. Jason cradled their daughter close. Gods, she was tiny. The chart said six pounds even, but it was hard to believe. Tiny and absolutely  _ perfect _ . She had wispy blonde hair, and almost-invisible eyelashes. Jason struggled to comprehend that- they’d  _ made  _ this little angel. Maybe through unconventional methods, but that only made her  _ more _ miraculous.

 

“She needs a name…” Piper said, talking like her voice could break something. 

 

“Leola.” Jason said. “You know. In memory.”  

 

Piper nodded. As if responding to her name, Leola wriggled and stretched out a, tiny, perfect hand. Piper reached over, and Leola wrapped her tiny fingers around Piper's thumb.It was the kind of moment Jason wanted to photograph and keep forever. 

  
For the time being, everything was perfect.  


End file.
